When I was 10 - rubber meant eraser, ass meant donkey, gay meant happy, straight meant linear, making out meant 'logical deduction', Cock meant rooster, pussy meant cat, stag meant a male deer, prick meant a jab, poke meant a nudge, chick meant a baby hen, screw meant a carpenter's implement and a Tit was always for Tat!!
Damn! -English has changed so much !!!!!
-------------------------
Blind Man
-------------------------
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."
-------------------------
Monday, July 18, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Superb Sentences By 7 Superb Persons
Dr.Abdul Kalam.... "It Is Very Easy To Defeat Someone,
But It Is Very Hard To Win Some
Shakespeare..... "Never Play With The Feelings Of Others
Because You May Win The Game
But The Risk Is That You Will Surely Lose The Person For A LifeTime"
Napoleon........ "The world suffers a lot.
Not because of the violence of bad people,
But because of the silence of good people!"
Einstein......... "I am thankful to all those who said NO to me
Its because of them I did it myself.."
Abraham Lincoln......... "If friendship is your weakest point then
you are the strongest person
in the world"
Shakespeare.......... "Laughing Faces Do Not Mean That There Is
Absence Of Sorrow!
But It Means That They Have The Ability To
Deal With It".
William Arthur...... "Opportunities Are Like Sunrises, If You
Wait Too Long You Can Miss Them".
Hitler..... "When You Are In The Light, Everything
Follows You, But When You Enter Into The Dark, Even Your Own Shadow Doesn't Follow You."
Shakespeare......... "Coin Always Makes Sound
But The Currency Notes Are Always Silent.
So When Your Value Increases
Keep Yourself Calm and Silent"
But It Is Very Hard To Win Some
Shakespeare..... "Never Play With The Feelings Of Others
Because You May Win The Game
But The Risk Is That You Will Surely Lose The Person For A LifeTime"
Napoleon........ "The world suffers a lot.
Not because of the violence of bad people,
But because of the silence of good people!"
Einstein......... "I am thankful to all those who said NO to me
Its because of them I did it myself.."
Abraham Lincoln......... "If friendship is your weakest point then
you are the strongest person
in the world"
Shakespeare.......... "Laughing Faces Do Not Mean That There Is
Absence Of Sorrow!
But It Means That They Have The Ability To
Deal With It".
William Arthur...... "Opportunities Are Like Sunrises, If You
Wait Too Long You Can Miss Them".
Hitler..... "When You Are In The Light, Everything
Follows You, But When You Enter Into The Dark, Even Your Own Shadow Doesn't Follow You."
Shakespeare......... "Coin Always Makes Sound
But The Currency Notes Are Always Silent.
So When Your Value Increases
Keep Yourself Calm and Silent"
Moral of the story!!!
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had fee lings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... and behold, my entire future family of in-laws was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car and not in your wallet.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had fee lings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... and behold, my entire future family of in-laws was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car and not in your wallet.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Woderful words
The
Present
THREE WAYS TO USE YOUR PRESENT MOMENTS
TO ENJOY YOUR WORK AND LIFE, NOW!
BE IN THE PRESENT
WHEN YOU WANT TO BE HAPPIER AND MORE EFFECTIVE
Focus On What Is Right Now.
Respond To What Is Important Today.
LEARN FROM THE PAST
WHEN YOU WANT TO MAKE THE PRESENT BETTER THAN THE PAST
Look At What Happened In The Past.
Learn Something Valuable From It.
Do Things Differently Today.
HELP CREATE THE FUTURE
WHEN YOU WANT TO MAKE THE FUTURE BETTER THAN THE PRESENT
Imagine What A Wonderful Future Would Look Like.
Make A Realistic Plan.
Do Something Today To Help It Happen.
Present
THREE WAYS TO USE YOUR PRESENT MOMENTS
TO ENJOY YOUR WORK AND LIFE, NOW!
BE IN THE PRESENT
WHEN YOU WANT TO BE HAPPIER AND MORE EFFECTIVE
Focus On What Is Right Now.
Respond To What Is Important Today.
LEARN FROM THE PAST
WHEN YOU WANT TO MAKE THE PRESENT BETTER THAN THE PAST
Look At What Happened In The Past.
Learn Something Valuable From It.
Do Things Differently Today.
HELP CREATE THE FUTURE
WHEN YOU WANT TO MAKE THE FUTURE BETTER THAN THE PRESENT
Imagine What A Wonderful Future Would Look Like.
Make A Realistic Plan.
Do Something Today To Help It Happen.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Who is clever? Teacher or student??
One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night And Didnt
Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty and wierd with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and
said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return
the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way
back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked
him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as
this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in
seperate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name.........................( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?...............( 98 MARKS )
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right .....!!!
True story from IIT Bombay...Batch 1992-96
Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty and wierd with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and
said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return
the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way
back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked
him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as
this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in
seperate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name.........................( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?...............( 98 MARKS )
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right .....!!!
True story from IIT Bombay...Batch 1992-96
Moral of the Story in Corporate and social life...........
You are exactly correct “Success is a Journey and not the destination“
Good answers
How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)
Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 rd Rank Opted for IFS)
Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)
Q. What looks like half apple?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A : Dinner.
Q. What happened when wheel was invented?
A : It caused a revolution.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid
Sometimes just thinking out of the box is what it takes!
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)
Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 rd Rank Opted for IFS)
Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)
Q. What looks like half apple?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A : Dinner.
Q. What happened when wheel was invented?
A : It caused a revolution.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid
Sometimes just thinking out of the box is what it takes!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Too Busy for a Friend?
One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.
Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.
That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.
On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. 'Really?' she heard whispered. 'I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!' and, 'I didn't know others liked me so much,' were most of the comments.
No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.
Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.. .
The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.
As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her.
'Were you Mark's math teacher?' he asked. She nodded: 'yes.' Then he said:
'Mark talked about you a lot.'
After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon.
Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.
'We want to show you something,' his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket 'They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.'
Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.
'Thank you so much for doing that,' Mark's mother said. 'As you can see, Mark treasured it.'
All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, 'I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home.'
Chuck's wife said, 'Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.'
'I have mine too,' Marilyn said. 'It's in my diary'
Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. 'I carry this with me at all times,' Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: 'I think we all saved our lists'
That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.
The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.
So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them today better still now, before it is too late.
Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.
Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.
That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.
On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. 'Really?' she heard whispered. 'I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!' and, 'I didn't know others liked me so much,' were most of the comments.
No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.
Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.. .
The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.
As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her.
'Were you Mark's math teacher?' he asked. She nodded: 'yes.' Then he said:
'Mark talked about you a lot.'
After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon.
Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.
'We want to show you something,' his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket 'They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.'
Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.
'Thank you so much for doing that,' Mark's mother said. 'As you can see, Mark treasured it.'
All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, 'I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home.'
Chuck's wife said, 'Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.'
'I have mine too,' Marilyn said. 'It's in my diary'
Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. 'I carry this with me at all times,' Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: 'I think we all saved our lists'
That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.
The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.
So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them today better still now, before it is too late.
Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.
NEW ASPIRIN
WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU HAD CHEST PAINS?
VERY SERIOUS INFO THAT MAY KEEP YOU ALIVE! YOU SHOULD HAVE EVERY MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY READ THIS AND KNOW WHAT TO DO AS UNFORTUNATELY IT may HAPPEN TO SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU SOONER OR LATER--BE PREPARED!
ASPIRIN
IMPORTANT READ......
Something that we can do to help ourselves - Nice to know.
Bayer is making crystal aspirin to dissolve under the tongue. (Even DISPRIN Will do well) They work much faster than the tablets.
Why keep aspirin by your bedside?
About Heart Attacks
There are other symptoms of an heart attack besides the pain on the left arm.
One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating, however these symptoms may also occur less frequently.
Note: There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack.. The majority of people (about 60%) who had a heart attack during their sleep, did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep.
If that happens:
- immediately dissolve 2 aspirins in your mouth
- and swallow them with a bit of water
Afterwards:
CALL AMBULANCE
- say "heart attack!"
- say that you have taken 2 aspirins..
- phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by
- take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door, and wait for their arrival and....
~ DO NOT lie down ~
A Cardiologist has stated that, if each person, after reading this, suggests it to 10 people to read the same, probably one life can be saved!
VERY SERIOUS INFO THAT MAY KEEP YOU ALIVE! YOU SHOULD HAVE EVERY MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY READ THIS AND KNOW WHAT TO DO AS UNFORTUNATELY IT may HAPPEN TO SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU SOONER OR LATER--BE PREPARED!
ASPIRIN
IMPORTANT READ......
Something that we can do to help ourselves - Nice to know.
Bayer is making crystal aspirin to dissolve under the tongue. (Even DISPRIN Will do well) They work much faster than the tablets.
Why keep aspirin by your bedside?
About Heart Attacks
There are other symptoms of an heart attack besides the pain on the left arm.
One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating, however these symptoms may also occur less frequently.
Note: There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack.. The majority of people (about 60%) who had a heart attack during their sleep, did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep.
If that happens:
- immediately dissolve 2 aspirins in your mouth
- and swallow them with a bit of water
Afterwards:
CALL AMBULANCE
- say "heart attack!"
- say that you have taken 2 aspirins..
- phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by
- take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door, and wait for their arrival and....
~ DO NOT lie down ~
A Cardiologist has stated that, if each person, after reading this, suggests it to 10 people to read the same, probably one life can be saved!
It is true!!!
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting
for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went
to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of< br>Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when
the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of
Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of any country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND
FOR THE SAME REASON! THAT..... ITs ALL THE WAY SHIT... INSIDE
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting
for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went
to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of< br>Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when
the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of
Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of any country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND
FOR THE SAME REASON! THAT..... ITs ALL THE WAY SHIT... INSIDE
It is true!!!
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting
for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went
to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of< br>Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when
the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of
Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of any country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND
FOR THE SAME REASON! THAT..... ITs ALL THE WAY SHIT... INSIDE
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting
for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went
to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of< br>Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when
the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of
Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of any country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND
FOR THE SAME REASON! THAT..... ITs ALL THE WAY SHIT... INSIDE
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